The Adventure

Today is the 22/11/2014 and who would ever have imagined myself sitting here on Virgin Airlines on my way to live and work in the UK for who knows how long? We'll certainly not me.

I had my life all mapped out. From when I was first married, to having a family to living out the  rest of my days with a husband and family and eventually grand children. Life never goes the way one imagines it would but instead sends us off in all manner of directions often feeling like we are not in the driving seat. Today I'm most definitely in the driving seat and feeling very much in charge of my life.

This adventure probably began after the man I loved and was married to for 31 years decided to leave me. I was heartbroken. Yet it was to be a defining point in my life. Little did I know just how much personal growth I was to acquire and what adventure I was about to embark on.

A year after my marriage breakup I met a lovely man with whom I lived for a year, however his love affair with the bottle was to eventually be the catalyst for me moving on. I moved to Hamilton to be near my youngest son Samuel, his wife and family. 

After being apart for six months and being lead to believe this man had gained victory over his drinking, I took him back and he moved up to Hamilton to be with me. We bought a house together. Sadly it was less than 3 months before he was back into it again. I was both angry and sad at what felt like yet another betrayal. I was not going to allow myself to go through another round of this. I persevered hoping he would stop but he didn't so I decided I was worth more and ended it this time vowing never to allow myself to be in a position such as this again. Although we still continued on living in the same house I lived as an independent woman, i.e. a flat mate and it is this that has now seen me become stronger, confident and very much my own person.

I joined groups such as ballroom and latin dancing, I took philosophy classes! I socialised and made friends. One of these friends was a wonderful woman by the name of Diana. I met Diana on one of Hamiltons Living streets Spring walks back in 2013. I saw the walk advertised and took myself off on this particular day. I was drawn to Diana as she appeared to be on her own and I thought her an attractive woman. Not in a sexual way but just a really nice person. She was a tall, good looking woman with a refined manner to her. I instantly liked her. More about this later.

When I first moved to Hamilton in February, 2011 I stayed for about three months as a boarder with my dearest friend and confident, Barbs. Barb and husband Ian were so good to me and supported me through yet another life crisis. Good friendships need to be preserved and we both recognised that it was time to move on. After this we mutually agreed I should move on to new accomodation. It was here that the landlady Jenny began telling me about some friends of hers that had gone to the UK to work as carers looking after older, well to do people. The seeds were sown and the idea appealed to me however at this time I shelved it  for the security of permanent work in Hamilton. 

I found employment in the Mental Health sector in July 2012. Alan moved up in Sept 2012 and we moved into our new house. Things went well for a while and I had hoped this would be a new beginning, but as I said earlier it wasn't  very long before my world crumbled yet again when Alan resumed drinking. It got worse as time went on and began to eventually impact on my work. In Feb 2013 I was having trouble concentrating on my job because of what was going on at home. I made a mistake, Then another and it was clear I was teetering on the brink of losing my job. After the usual meetings etc it was clear my life wasn't going well and the end result was I was forced to resign. It's incredible how important it is to maintain ones sense of wellbeing as it impacts on all parts of ones life.

I went through the Summer, then autumn and it was clear Alan's drinking was so bad I could no longer stay in a relationship. He was never violent or abusive per se but living with an alcoholic is sheer Hell. It is a sad, lonely, miserable existence which I would never wish on anyone. I moved from the ' marital bed' so to speak and moved into my own seperate bedroom in April of 2013.

The winter passed and I began living completely independently. It is now Spring 2013 and it is here that the beginning of my adventure was unknowingly about to begin.

As I said earlier my independent living saw me seek out new activities to do in Hamilton to curb the loneliness I felt. I still had my dear friend Barbs but I didn't want to bother her so much so I sought out other sources of friendship and entertainment. I walked heaps, I joined a dance class, I joined Philosophy classes, any sort of interest to keep me sane.

As Diana's and my friendship blossomed I began to learn something about her life. She shared how she had worked for many years as a carer living in the homes of wealthy people and caring for them in their dotage. She said that it was a great way to see the world and save heaps of money.

I had no work in NZ sadly because although I had so much experience, it was clear to me that my years of experience counted for very little when it came to work. Now-a-days employers appear to take on younger people fresh out of studying with no experience at all. Still who could blame them.

Not being a bitter soul I plodded along reasonably happy in my life. Fulfilled? Well not completely as I felt I still had much more living to do. Since my business folded and my marriage ended five years previously I no longer had the financial stability or security that I once shared in my marriage.

I had for some years been aware that only I am the author of my own happiness and I had no right to expect anyone else to provide that for me. 

Relationships - lizolsen500.blogspot.nz

I have been interested in relationships for many years. I worked as a therapist with men who had power and control issues in their relationships. I thought I knew a lot about relationships but it wasn't until my own marriage of 31 years ended after my husband left me and virtually went straight from being married to me into another relationship, that I realised how little I really knew.

Sadly I  allowed myself to stay in a relationship whereby I  realised retrospectively I was abused and controlled. Well actually  I realised it at the time but typically of most abused women I stayed hoping things would change. Besides I loved him didn't I? .

Well things did change when I became involved in the work of violence prevention. He too got involved and he began to make some changes to the way he behaved in the relationship and I was pleased about this. We both made changes. I learned to be more assertive rather than passive and he learned about what power and control was and sought to acquire skills and behaviour that were non controlling.

Yes he did make some significant changes however although the changes were ok, I now see that he still managed to maintain the sort of behaviour that I can only describe as manipulative and controlling only in a more covert surreptitious fashion.. There was a facade of respectability and the outside world saw us as the ideal couple. Little did they know what went on behind closed doors. Rather ironic really. I thought he had done the work on himself and accepted his behaviour as how it should've been. I've since been blessed to live with people who show the upmost respect for their partners and fellow human beings. Not view them as stepping stones to self gratification and self promotion.

Not to labour the intricacies, I have forgiven him and moved on. I now have triumphed over the heartache that came with the separation and moved on. I tell myself and others that his leaving me was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me.

Worst because I thought my world had ended and that my broken heart would never mend.  The pain and suffering went on for years. Worst because I thought I could never live without him. Such was the co- dependant dynamic that was created in that relationship.

Best because I now realised I was not an extension of him, I was actually my own person who could make my own decisions, I could do things without having to rely on him for approval. I could be myself without being undermined or attracting derision and expressions of frustration from him. Of course he would argue this wasn't the case but our children growing up in this sort of atmosphere witnessed it all and would contradict his protestations.

Once I realised this my confidence came back, my self esteem grew and there was no holding me back. Best of all I loved myself unconditionally. I did lots of things by myself and it was almost euphoric finding out that I was in fact an amazing human being. I didn't need anyone's approval because I approved of me. That was a transformational epiphany.

What I hadn't realised was that I had become conditioned to live in an environment where I  had become passive aggressive. It was almost a survival skill I had acquired. Mostly if the atmosphere was volatile, I would kowtow in order to keep the peace especially for the children's sake, well mine too.

That's history now and with my confidence and self esteem firmly established  and doing well I now sojourn through life not worrying too much anymore about whether I have a man or not in my life. It would be nice but I'm fine with my own company and various friendships I have formed with others.

I found the following article and feel it is worth sharing.........the author is Nate Bagley.

Nate Bagley says he was sick of hearing love stories that fell into one of two categories — scandal and divorce, and unrealistic fairytale.

So he started a Kickstarter and used his life savings to tour the country and interview couples in happy, long-term relationships.

He then took to Reddit’s /r/IAmA to share what he learned (just in time for Valentine’s Day), and to post podcasts of the couples’ journeys and advice.

“I’ve interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, couples who have been together for a short time, and couples who have been together for over 70 years,” he said in his Ask Me Anything. “I’ve even interviewed couples in arranged marriages and polygamous couples.”

He now hopes to make a documentary from the interviews, and has many of them already uploaded on his website, The Loveumentary. This is some of the best advice that he shared with Reddit:

On the key things that make a relationship successful:

“This was actually one of the most surprising things I learned on the journey.

Self Love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.

Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.

Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard — they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

Trust: Happy couples trust each other… and they have earned each others’ trust. They don’t worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they’ve proven over and over again that they are each other’s biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It’s day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.

Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.

Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.

The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.”

On the best advice he was given:

“One woman in Georgia gave some pretty amazing advice. She and and her husband have been married for over 60 years, and after being asked what her best relationship advice would be, she paused and said…

‘Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.’”

On the best way to solve disagreements:

“Resolving disagreements was one of the topics that came up the most.

Here’s what I learned:

Don’t Fight To Win: A huge number of couples talked about how they didn’t fight against each other. I mean, if you’re in love, you should be playing for the same team. Your goal should be to resolve the issue, not to emerge victorious over the love of your life… and let’s be honest, you just feel guilty when you win anyway.

Seek to Understand: If you’re having a hard time playing on the same team, stop fighting and instead try to understand why your partner is upset. Typically what’s being talked about isn’t the real issue. People are inherently bad at being vulnerable, especially in threatening situations. Be willing to ask sincere questions. Let the answers sink in. If she is complaining that you’re spending too much time at work, maybe the real issue is that she misses you, and wants to feel connected with you. Rather than arguing about how you’re providing for the family, and she needs to respect how hard you work, try to listen to what she’s really saying. Then hold her. Come home early one day, and surprise her with a date, or some special one-on-one time. Reassure her that she, and your relationship, are a priority for you. If you don’t want that same issue to arise again, keep investing in the solution.

Just Be Nice To Each Other Seriously. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t call names. Don’t take jabs. Don’t try to hurt the other person. Argue naked if it helps… but just be kind and civil ad respectful. It will prevent so many bad things from happening.”

And his favourite quote from all the interviews:

“At the end of Ty’s life, I want him to be able to say, ‘Terri was the greatest earthly blessing in my life — the best thing that ever happened to me — and that I’m a better man because of how she loved me.’ And that’s the goal that I live with every day. That’s how I want to love this man.”

Infidelity

Here is an article I have copied from " Psychology Today". I wish to acknowledge this article as being retrieved from the Internet..... Well worth a read.

I Wasn't Looking for an Affair, It Just Happened

By Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW on May 19, 2008 - 3:41pm

Having been a therapist for a very long time has afforded me the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life with varied opinions, personalities, strengths and idiosyncratic quirks. I'm never bored, rarely shocked and almost never angered. But take note, the operative word here is "almost."

I have lost count of the number of times when a spouse who's been unfaithful says, "I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened." It's as if these people were simply going about their day, minding their own business and alas, they suddenly find themselves stark naked in hotel rooms having breathless, passionate sex as if there's no tomorrow. It just happens? Uh, I don't think so.

Affairs aren't spontaneous; they require careful planning and decision-making. Often, the choices people make that pave the way for an affair- dinner with a co-worker, meeting an old boyfriend or girlfriend for a drink after work just to catch up, having lunch with an attractive, single neighbor on a regular basis or sending a lengthy Christmas update to a long lost heart throb- can seem relatively innocent. But one dinner date or late night conversation often leads to another and another and another. The talk becomes more personal. Confessions of marital dissatisfaction bubble to the surface prompting empathy and support. People tell themselves, "I just needed someone to talk to. I wanted input from someone of the opposite sex." But you don't need a degree in psychology to know that the implicit message in these conversations is, "I'm unhappily married. Want to fool around?" You can tell yourself that you're not doing anything wrong, but the truth is, it's a sheer, slippery slope.

Then there is alcohol, the inhibition-buster that "made me do it." And while it's true that many a bad decision has been made while under the influence, unless like teenagers in Cancun on spring break, people's mouths are forced open and alcohol poured down their throats, having a drink is a decision. Having two drinks is two decisions. You can do the math on the rest of the story.

What about bad marriages? Don't they justify being unfaithful? After all, life is short. We only have one go around, right? What's always amazed me is how differently people react to similar circumstances. I've met people whose spouses refused to have sex for years and although that made them miserable, they simply could not cheat. I've met other people who, when their relationships hit predictable bumps in the road, rather than work things out, they sought comfort in the arms of strangers. Unhappy marriages don't cause infidelity. Being unfaithful causes infidelity.

Nevertheless, life is short and feeling lonely in marriage is no way to live. But dulling one's pain through the instant gratification of hot sex or emotional closeness with someone who doesn't argue with you about bills, children or the in-laws isn't an effective or lasting way to fix what's wrong. In fact, infidelity complicates life enormously for everyone involved, a fact that should not be minimized when planning the next "just friends" Starbucks break.

People who say their affairs just happened aren't necessarily intentionally trying to cover their asses or justify their behavior; they often truly believe what they're saying. They simply lack insight or awareness of the ways in which their actions, however subtle, have created their current predicaments. But in the same way that affairs don't just happen, neither does healing from betrayal. Unless those who have strayed look inward and take personal responsible for the paths their lives have taken, they will not be able to get back on track when they've gotten derailed. In my view, being unconscious just doesn't cut it.

 

Post is for mature audiences - contains adult content

Retrieved from Psychology Today from Facebook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish to acknowledge the following article's author Katie Phillips. This was retrieved from the Good Woman Project: www.goodwomanproject.com

HOW I ENDED UP IN AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Editor’s Note: So much thanks to Katie Phillips for having the courage to share her story. She blogs at Lessons The World Has Taught Me. If you are in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship, please visit our “Abuse & Unhealthy Relationships” section. You aren’t alone, it isn’t your fault, and there is a community of women ready and willing to hear your story and stand next to you as you learn to stand your ground all over again. – Lauren

When I was nineteen, I was kicked out of my mother’s house. At the time, I understood abuse as hitting or raping; I didn’t know that such a thing as emotional abuse occured, or that it could be just as damaging as the physical or sexual varieties. Nor did I know that it could rear its ugly head in so many different ways.

Very soon after I was kicked out, I met a man whom I will call Aaron. He seemed beautiful, in every way. We got very close very fast, and within a matter of weeks, claimed each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. To escape my living situation (I had an apartment with horrible roomates), I spent more and more nights in Aaron’s bed. Soon, I was spending whole weeks there without once going home. After a few months, we decided to get an apartment together, but I had to move between states on a low income. I remained on the lease with my roomates to keep my vehicle legal while I worked to fund the repairs for state inspection, and was unable pay for rent at Aaron’s house during that time.

I should take a minor break and tell you that I believed myself to be a strong woman. I had been abused in my parents’ house, and I thought I knew what abuse was all about. I knew all the facts: abused people abuse others, women who are abused as children are much more likely than their unabused counterparts to be caught in the same cycle. I remember hearing about the incident with Rhianna and Chris Brown, and I remember thinking “That will never happen to me.” I understood that my best friend was caught in a cycle of abuse, but I had no clue that that was exactly what was happening to me.

You see, as time passed, Aaron slowly caught me up in that same vicious abuse cycle. It began with little comments made in a temper fit, easily justifed by his “bad mood.” Those comments got worse, especially when I lost 20 hours a week at my job and lost my car, and had to rely on him completely. He blamed it on stress. He told me I was a loser, he told me that I had a million problems; that I was a workload and a codependent. He told me that I was broken, and that I always had been, and only he could fix me. I never questioned him. I believed him.

In the span of a year, he stole my confidence, my self-esteem, and my self-reliance. He removed me from my position of stability and put me in a position where I had nothing to give to myself, emotionally or economically. I was trapped.

Then, one night, after the only fight in which I held my ground, he did what he had never done before and started carting my possessions down to the street. He said, “you don’t live here, your name is not on the lease, you need to leave or I’m calling the police.” I left, I found myself a one-bedroom apartment, and began with nothing, not even a bed.

I stayed with him for another year, enduring the emotional turmoil because I loved him and because I didn’t believe I was worth a better man. Then, one night, he told me that he had dropped his standards to be with me. I tried to leave him then, but he begged me to stay. A week after that, in a “stressful” situation, he kicked me out of his car on a dark, cold, rainy night, miles from the nearest town. He did swing back around to pick me up, but I demanded to be taken home, and he said “If you ruin this night, I’ll never speak to you again.” I said: “OK.”

Right now, I’m working on a degree in psychology. I plan on taking it all the way up to the Master’s level so that I can practice psychotherapy. I’m still poor, but I have resources and connections now that I never would have considered when Aaron was my entire reality. I know men whose only agenda for their women is to provide for, protect, and love them. I also believe in myself, I discovered the vast potential within me that exists in every human being.

What did I learn about abuse?

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual, albeit in different ways, and is often more dangerous because of its subtlety. It can happen to anybody, even the smartest, most ass-kicking woman on the planet.

Abusers don’t abuse you because there’s something wrong with YOU. Something inside of them is broken, and you can’t fix it. Oh, they may blame you for it all the time, but that does not make it your fault, or your responsibility.

What did I learn about myself and my relationships?

1. NEVER let another person make you believe you are broken and they are the only one who can fix you.  Your flaws are your responsibility. No human can be your savior.

2. NEVER let another person define your mistakes or imperfections for you. What you like about yourself and what you don’t like about yourself are up to you to decide, no other person has that right.

3. KNOW that a man who’s worth that title will provide for you and protect you, that he will never trap you, and that if he does hurt you, he will shake the world to make it better.

4. KNOW that you, yes, little old you, are a gift to the whole world. You are not a workload, a project, a security blanket, or a sidekick, and nobody should ever make you feel that way.

You have it within you to move mountains and boil seas. You are the person who endures immeasurable pain to bring life into the world. You are the person swimming against the socioeconomic tide to make something of yourself. You are the person who will give every little bit of yourself to make another person happy. Love yourself for what you give to the world, and never settle for a man who doesn’t see you for what and who you are.

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/have-you-ever-been-in-love-horrible-isn-t-it-it/347156.html

---

Poems

These are all my own poems. I enjoy writing poetry and I hope you enjoy these that I've shared with you.  My own journey has provided much subject material. I find writing poetry a very cathartic exercise.

I spent many many hours writing these so If you choose to copy these then please  ensure you acknowledge me as the author of these poems

The Mind Game

What game are you playing with my head?

Dangling me on a string.....

Pull me in, push me away

Can't you see how much it hurts

I just pretend it's all ok but silently in my heart

I well up inside and tears of sadness flow

"I'm glad we're back in touch", said in one breathe

Then bid me the "long goodbye" in another 

What's going in your pretty head

Do you actually know yourself? 

Indeed a master puppeteer, you are 

Drop the strings when you can't make me perform.

I fold into a crumpled heap, lifeless puppet

Strings all tangled now, heart gone hard

Anger, sadness, doubt run amuck

Is it me? I question my validity

"You're a wonderful woman".....BUT!!!

So here I am back at the drawing board

Wondering where to start, can't go back,

Can't go forward, heart stuck in the mud.

Quandary

 Whatever happened back there?

Was it real or just a figment of my vain imaginings

Machinations and expectations swirling

Seeking for that magic place of awe and wonder

Of romance and love, of life and healing

The whirlwind blew with all its fury

Captivating, enthralling, exciting the senses

Seeking wonderment, seeking love, seeking peace

Pushing, urging to hide past pain, past love

Replace with a bandaid just for now

The richness of the moment, sensual, sentient

Captivating the heart and mind like a magnet uncontrolled

Drawing, pulling as a moth drawn to light with no control

Taken by intrinsic urges, no control, instinctual

As a newborn is drawn to its mothers breast 

Now it's gone, as quickly as it came, the wind well spent

Weighted blame on the princess's shoulders

Was she really that princess, or just another conquest

Was it real or just vain imaginings

She wept, heart heavy, yet again love not attained.

Liz Olsen March 2016 (C)

THE RIVER

Meandering slowly, meandering quickly

But surely on it flows, onwards, onwards

It flows on no matter what.

No obstacle will never stop it, around it, it will go

Men like mountains will never understand women

Women, like water, nurturing giving life

Pouring out, giving, giving love, giving life

Water the precious life force of life itself

Water, women, the river of life, the giver of life

Moving not being held captive by anything

Forward, forward, releasing, opening

Indomitable spirit, indomitable heart

Liz Olsen January 2016 (C)

The Dream

You sure did get to me

Made me feel brand new

But it was a very short time

Before things became eschew

I no longer was the princess

You imagined that I was

But instead you only fantasised

It was indeed because

You were only seeking love

But inside your lovely head

You thought I was the answer

To your worries but instead

All it did was show you up 

That really all was not well

You never cleaned your act up

Instead you caused me hell

Thought we had something special

But it wasn't meant to be

Because you hadn't sorted your baggage out

I was left to see

That all was not well in your world

You tried so very hard

To find your special soulmate

But my dear it was the wrong card

You didn't play it right my love

Instead you screwed my head

Because you thought the ultimate

Was get me right in bed

But truth to tell I think it wrong

Because your troubled past

Was only blurring present times

Although for now it was a blast 

But then again I have to say

The moments were indeed good

I really only looked for love 

As many people should

 But sadly it was short in time

Real connection that we had

It wasn't all we thought it was

And yet it wasn't all bad.

And so dear one I'm grateful for

The kind endearing terms

You did apply to me and so

I'm warmer still and not yet burned

Life and love goes like this you know

It is a game of chance

If we can step the light fantastic

We have a beautiful dance

And if it isn't meant to be 

then que sera sera

It's clearly not meant to be

So this is the last hurrah

Lizzy Olsen March 2016 (C)

Grief

It sits deep down, begging to be given life

But I refuse, it's been here before and

Almost destroyed me, but not this time

I'm stronger now, it won't get me again

Not this time anyway..........

The present is my solace now

I can withstand the brevity of pain

As I know it will pass in time

No past or future matter anymore

All I have is now!!

Lizzy Olsen March 2016 (c)

                                                            ROSEMARY

You put on your red shoes, so gloriously soft and comfy

Then struggle to tie the laces,Hands once nimble now slow

You put on your brown coat,Don your little patterned hat and stick

Open the door, lock the door lifelong habit not yet forgotten

You link your arm entwined in mine like a child clings trustingly to its mother

Security you once took for granted  now vulnerable and needy

Off we go into Wintery air, bracing and sharp, we don't care

Slowly, slowly inch by inch we make our way down St Cyriacs

Click bop, click bop your stick eagerly leads you on and on 

Through the little archway and there we are, now in Crane st

Shuffling over ancient flagstones, built in Roman times

The biting cold gnawing at your nose releasing the tap within

You reach within your brown coat pocket pull out a screwed up tissue

Wipe the drips that threaten to embarrass you and make you look old

On we go click bop, shuffle shuffle down to M and S look around

You grimace in pain, on your feet too long, find a chair to sit for a while

Then one more shop, White Company, you like this shop with beautiful smells

Now you've had enough and want to go back home, turn around heading back

The flagstones rickety surface threatening to trip you up but you watch with care

The winter wind picks up with craggy claws and grips your cheeks but you resist

Determined face looks forward now, as we wheel back down Crane street

Grunting in pain because arthritis has entwined its prickly tentacles around your knees

Like shards of glass grinding between the joints, how dare it steal your joy

Cross the street, through the car park nearly home, over the road unlock the door

You step inside,relief at last,take off hat and coat, stick set back in porcelain jar

You sigh with relief back into the warm belly of your home, time for a cuppa

Hot chocolate is just the cure to warm you up, seated now in comfort you sit

Just a little one for me you say, the usual cup you imbibe. A simple walk is done!

(C) Liz Olsen January 2015

Taking the train to Brighton

Tonbridge ticket office man

Gives me a fare to Redhill station, get off there he says

Go to Gatwick Airport he tells me so, climb aboard

Redhill here we come, Gatwick train soon I'm on

Ready for the journey now

Speeding, rushing, always going somewhere

Stopping here,  stopping there

Whistle blows, on we go

Jarring starts, then high pitched hum

Swishing through the greyness of Winter

Rush to platform 7, Gatwick airport

On we hurry to our destination

Faster, faster clickety click

Through a tunnel, my ears feel thick

Shaking, jostling no one talks

Young man calls, "tickets please"

As he ambles down the aisle

Through the carriage he struts

Bancombe station, another stop

What's that funny noise?

Bang!! Another train heading the other way

Sends my ears  to weird places

Ah it stopped it's clear again the train creaks

Groaning and shuddering like an aged man

Shaking but determined to get where it's going

Gadonk, Gadonk, passing towns, Haywards Heath

We stop,more folk scramble on

There's that whistle again and that funny noise

Off we go determined to get to our destination

Clickety click, that High whining sound 

 

More stops, Wivelsfield, train sounds impatient

Let's keep going, doors swish open

People scurry off to who knows where

Driving past fields and trees, devoid of summer dress

Grey oh so grey, we stop again this time, Burgess Hill

Oh hurry up I want to get there, how much longer

On this whirring horse with feet made of metal

 Passengers just stare into their phones

no longer wanting to make eye contact

Hassocks station this time, soon oh soon

 

Suddenly we are there, Brighton has arrived

It's wet and winters weather

But who cares, I just want to get there

Taxi man picks me up and drives to Bedford Square

Five quid fare I'm finally there

Karma

Karma comes to collect you know

It's plain for all to see

The things you say, the things you do

Will all come back to thee

Be mindful in this life of yours

Whatever you give out

Because in the final analysis

It's what you bring about

If you cheat and lie to others

The pain will end up yours

So please strive to give love

Or your spirit will end up poor

The tyrannies of the soul my friend

Will stalk and bring you pain

Such tyrants as jealousy, anger & desire

From these you must refrain

Seek only peace and love

Give kindness beyond compare

To give to all humanity

And for this life prepare

To hold with love and dignity

Your fellow human beings

For what you say and what you do

From you it all begins

My plea to you my fellow man

Is watch wait and beware

For what you do comes  back to you

To these life rules you must adhere

Karma can be good or bad

It's your choice in what you choose

So treat each other with love and care

And Karma will be good to you.

Aug 2014

Moving  on... 

Trauma inflicted

Broken houses

Broken hearts

Broken souls

But the sun always shines again

Nothing surer

Just a case of 'not if but when'

Time to move on

THE OLD ME NEW ME

Who was that girl that looked like me?

Moulded and shaped by dysfunction

Pushed and pulled in ugly ways

Yes she was the old me

Tugged and pulled, misshapen

Like a rag doll she looked.

Who was that girl that looked like me?

Attractive yet had no idea

That she really had an attractive face

No one said she did,so she didn't believe it

Lacking confidence, shrivelled spirit

Dominated and controlled, who can she be?

Who was that girl that looked like me?

Twisted and turned, betwixt and between

Shady boundaries, fears galore

Tender hearted, loving and caring

Unconditional love not reciprocated

Where has that girl gone?

Who was that girl that looked like me

Carried heavy load for far too long

She had a broken heart she did

Took a while to heal the pain she bore

Stab wounds between shoulder blades

Watery eyes from crying too much

So where the hell did that girl go?

That girl that looked like me

She shed that suit, no longer required

Didn't fit her anymore, too small, far too small

That new girl suit fitted far better

A new girl has emerged

Here is the new me, bold and sassy

No longer living in fear or low self esteem

No undercurrents that inflict hurt or pain

Far too busy to tolerate that shit

Yes that new girl has arrived and journey on did go

Heart at ease and soul content

I am, I am, i am the new me, the happy me

Indomitable, courageous, peaceful spirit

Kindness now reigns where fear once sat

No longer taunted or put down or discouraged

Head held high, hip hip hoorah

Hello world this is the new me!

October 2014

Beauty

Oh betrayal look what you did to me

You broke my heart in two

But then I welcomed Beauty in

She gave me most exquisite view

She beckoned  me with alabaster hand

With gentle words she chided

No more sadness, no more pain

Then with wisdom she now she guided

To find the hidden treasure deep within

With beauty beyond compare

No need to grapple, fight or strive

No longer need to fear

So often happiness it seemed

Was difficult to find

But Beauty when she came to me

Now gave me peace of mind

I was no longer lost or poor

For treasure  now was mine

It was the beauty of my soul

So exquisite, so magnificent, so refined

Liz Olsen August 2014

The Manipulator

How did I get in that mess?

You turned me into a frog

You twisted and you shaped me

Till I was just a cog

To be turned and turned

Till I then wore out

Then you discarded me

And I just roamed about

Like a lost soul in tortured pain

In darkness I did wallow

It was the most disgusting pill

That I had ever swallowed

You loved yet so selfishly

I was just your convenience

To be there when you needed me

Then pushed away and hence

The crazy dilemma I did have

The "push me pull you" game

Left my head in such a mess

Yet you still stayed the same

You cared only about yourself

You didn't give a toss

For how you shaped and left me

Yes you were the only boss

How can love and hate

Be together in the same cup

Like a sweet and bitter pill

It does not lift me up

It served to drive me crazy

Made me think I was insane

 But little did you count on me

Finding the real me again

You think I'm still the same person

That you had shaped me to

But I soon sought to find myself

Sweet mercy, blended hue

The person you knew then

Was shaped by living with you

The person I am now is shaped

By me so real, honest and true

The person I am now

Is free to love myself

How wonderful it is.

No longer full of self doubt

Oh the bliss of realisation

That I wasn't the fool you'd made

But I was in fact so beautiful

Amazing, wonderful, and great

I am so very worthy 

Of purer unbridled love

I no longer have need of you

I am loved from above

Liz Olsen July 2014

 The Beginning of the End

One night I stopped looking out the window

For your headlights to appear

I finally realised you were never coming home

Why wasn't I aware?

No need to make the house nice

No need to pour the wine

No need to make a warm welcome

Nor meal from which to dine

I cared too much for you

Whilst  little for me you cared

For all the effort I went for you

I should never of dared

 To forever trust in love

 Or forever should believe

That love pledged forever......?

My God I was naive.

August 2014

The following is a poem I wrote about a dear friend who is consumed by alcoholism......

                                                         The Devil got your Balls

The devil got you by the balls

And screwed you oh so tight

He said "come with me,

I'll make you feel all right"

He promised you oh so much

Of dreams beyond compare

You listened to his wicked lies

And turned you on your ear

Come in, come in, you said

With welcome arms you bid

Do come aboard my ship

And with great haste - he did

What can I offer you to drink?

He said what can you offer me?

Oh just ask and I will give

Whatever you can see

Can I have your soul tonight?

Life will then feel good

Just have another drink my friend

Like all good sailors should

Your trials and worries disappear

Into a drunken phong

But little did you really know

His intent was oh so wrong

So there you lie in much  despair

Whilst all around you falls

The loss of love,of life and care

He sure did get your balls

The moral of this sorry tale, my friend

Is watch, wait and beware

Don't give much heed to the demon drink

 For you it has no care

The devil got you by the balls 

And screwed you oh so tight

So don't give an inch, don't give a mile

And mate?...... You'll be alright.

Liz Olsen 2013

Love Yourself

Oh sad and lonely tortured soul

What pain assails you so?

Why do you sit in your dark place?

What demons are your foe?

What will it take to lift you up

For spirits to arise?

Please try to help yourself

Don't make a compromise

For love is much a mighty cause

With power to overcome

And you such valued precious thing

With beauty's smile so awesome

Don't rue the day that you were born

Don't hurry for death to arrive

Instead just look to love yourself

And of gratitude to strive

For life is for living - so they say

How very true this is

Don't squander any moment given

And savour life's blessed gifts

The simple sweetest things

That money cannot buy

Earths wonders, gifts galore

Open your heart and eyes

Life's ephemeral, don't you see?

Stop wasting yet another day

Live to the fullest love yourself

And soon you can believe

That when you start to love yourself

And live your life loving you

Something wondrous begins to emerge

You'll have an amazing view

Of who you really truly are

A soul that reaches out

To then start loving others

Your heart begins to shout

Oh why did I stop loving me

A most amazing man

I really am a worthy being

And now I know I can

Start my life from this day for'ard

Love myself for all my worth

Because I am special and chosen

By God and all the earth

Liz Olsen July 2014

                 I'll be Happy When......

I'll be happy where and when

I get a flasher car

I'll be happy where and when

My heart doth reach the stars

That Mr/s Right, that new lounge suite

That latest electronic game

I'll be happy when I get it

And yet I feel the same

When you're bored and tired of the old

That younger woman sure looks good

So you leave your wife and family

Because you said you could

I'll be happy when I find

A younger better model

I'll throw the old one out

Oh yes it will be a doddle

I'll be happy when I buy

My own  new house you'll see

I'll fill it up with lots of things

For sure how happy I'll be

When we have our new career

We wait for happiness to arrive

When we have the babe in arms

No joy will we be deprived

The big flat screen, the new iPad

I'll really be happy then

But strange and curiously

Off it goes again

I know what I can do

To bring me up once more

I'll book my big OE

That's sure to fix the score

And yet it's curious that happiness 

Is fleeting as can be

That happiness based on external things

Does not last long for me

Yes happiness looked like it was

Something you pursued

And yet so elusive it was to you

It really did seem good

Oh yes it is an internal state

For happiness comes from within

Let it start from in you right now

And happiness can begin

For if you seek your happiness

In any external things

You'll find such fleeting times will pass

Then sadness to you will cling

So where to now and whenst  can be?

For happiness me to find

Where do I go what do I do

To have this peace of mind?

Seek not your happiness

In things that can be seen

But from your heart springs wells of love

And on this love you lean

So find your peace and contentment now

Not from without but within

Let it start from in you right now

And happiness will begin

Dearest Margaret

I only met you briefly

And didnt know you well

But yet you had that something

That cast a kind of spell

T'was that scottish accent

That warmed you to my heart

Because you sounded just like my Mum

Even though you're miles apart

That clootie pud you gave to me

Reminded me of my own kin

For my Scottish granny too made that

Oh it was a sin

You filled us up with food and love

Our waistlines did increase

And oh you were the perfect hostess

Your kindness never ceased

So it is with love and sadness

I bid you fare thee well

Drive safely on your journey

And don't forget to tell

The folk you come across in that fair land

Where streets are paved with gold

To "look out everyone I've arrived"

And don't forget to be bold

For now you've crossed that golden tide

Where life goes on forever

So do enjoy your next great stay

In that grand hotel called Heaven

Nov 2013

                              

THE BETRAYAL

You really were my best mate

Always! You really were

But then you betrayed me

You lying, cheating cur

You shared your thoughts with another

And gave her all the cake

While I was only given crumbs

And your heart and mind she did take

You wrote such long and sharing emails

About your dreams and your cares

She told you all her worries

And so intimately you both shared

You signed each message off with love

And secret thoughts and jokes

About me you did laugh

While your ego she did stroke

You humiliated me to her

And ran me to the ground

she laughed at your description of me

And your letters did expound

How I prattled and could not speak

But splashing I could do

Apparently I wasn't up to par

Instead promoted you

Secret messages between you both

On daily basis wrote

Whilst I was left out in the cold

 my every word to her you did quote

But she was married so instead

Her friend she introduced

You really really liked her friend

 Then her you now pursued

I knew something was wrong

Because you turned so cold

I was no longer yours

Nor my hand or heart did hold

Instead you  said "I'm bored with you,

Dead albatross around my neck"

You really knew how to hurt me

Cruel words I did get

My heart you broke and trod on

With  knife my back did stab

It turned my world upside down

The pain it hurt so very bad.

My best mate became my enemy

And email you did send

To tell me you were leaving me

And this really was the end

I was at first so angry

How dare you do this to me

After all the years of love and care

Gave heart so loyally

I foolishly allowed you to

Abuse us all so much

Intimidation was the norm

Scared hearts you did touch

Our children still remember how

You yelled and raged at us

And justification, denial and blame

Came from your mouth so much

You said 'we' weren't compatible

How hurt and sad I felt

To hear you always put me down

So harshly you have dealt

With those that loved and cared for you

We forgave you many times

In fact over and over we did so

Your cruel and heartless crimes

But life has its rewards

For those that watch and wait

Karma comes back to visit those

And dispenses out her fate

Those that have acted badly

And trampled hearts with ease

Will always get their just desserts

And Justice will be seized

We don't need to do anything

Natural justice she will flow

For whatever we  give out in life

Comes back to us and so

Make sure you care with kindness

Compassion too to give

Being selfish and greedy do not work

And remember to forgive

Children are a blessing 

so please be sure to treat

Them with patience and with kindness

Unconditional love is hard to beat

Please Stop trying to minimise

Or use denial and blame

Humility is hard to wear

But peace you can reclaim

So be the bigger person 

stop trying to  fix things up

It's better to be kind than right

So drink from the sweeter cup

Humility and cap- in -hand

Will surely serve you well

Stand back for a while stop trying hard

And then in time will tell

Your heart will tear, Your mind will swirl

With turmoil you will live

Until you find a place of peace

And you can learn to forgive

Yourself for all the pain you got

From clergy you endured

Your warring parents, constant fights

One day you can be sure

To learn to rest and truly love yourself

Stop trying to fit and blend

Learn to be real and stop pretence

Then one day you will wend

Your way back into family life

Your heart and soul restored

Peace and harmony will reign

And a heart with happy chord

Jan 2014

Don't Judge me if you've never been to hell

Have you ever been to hell my friend and felt the pain I felt
Do you really feel the pain in my heart?
that ached so hard it hurt, do you really know the loss I feel
And loneliness and despair?

You will never know what its like to be me and walk in my shoes
You will never know exactly the despair I have experienced 
Perhaps you will never know what its like to be kicked when you are already down
Kicked at, spat at, ground to the ground

But I am bigger than you and greater than you
Like the phoenix from the ashes I will arise again
In my magnificence and greatness
I will conquer my pain.....

Liz Olsen 2013

The Warring Man

You argue and you argue

Minimise, deny and blame

You wonder why it's come to this 

It's really such a shame

Your children no longer care for you

You wonder what you've done

To end up in this hellish place

Because you have begun

To use such nasty tactics 

That judge and hurt their hearts

You blame the world for all your woes

And fire out angry darts

Does it not occur to you

The common thread is you?

That all this contention and bickering

And falsities you spew

Your defensiveness and excuses

Don't wash over no more

Time to put your hand up

And end this stupid war

"What have I done to deserve all this?"

With plaintive heart you cry

"How come I'm in this boat

Oh why oh why oh why?"

"My children are at war with me

What's wrong with all of them?

I know what it is

They've been talking to their Mum"

She's used to taking all the rap

And shouldering all the blame

It's all her fault

That they have smeared my name

Yes it's hard for you to look at you

And take responsibility

This ugly situation

Lies squarely on your knee

When are you going to stop

Your crazy blaming game

When are you going to get real

And face up to your shame?

That whilst a picture you portray

To partner that you're good

When you abused us all so bad

Do tell her like you should

Now chickens do come home to roost

And past comes back to haunt

Did you ever apologise to them

Or is it a guise you still flaunt

Of respectable face, So full of pretence

Where oh where are you?

Do you really know yourself?

Or are you still full of poo (shit)

Which face does your partner see

Does she know all about your past

Or do you lie to her

And run so very fast

In running you can run away 

Pretend stuff doesn't exist

But sadly in reality

The truth does still persist

You thought leaving me

And start afresh with her

Would make life so much happier

Instead you've caused a stir

With all your offspring ill at ease with you

Your lying pretentiousness

Has set your kids agin you

Perhaps it's time to confess

The way you treated all of us

And so much grief did bring

You really weren't the man you thought

No praises can we sing

I bet you never told her how

On eggshells we did walk

Or how the kids hid in their rooms

For fear of your angry talk

Did you tell how I'd cry sometimes

When driven to the brink?

Of suicidal thoughts I'd have

And dark thoughts I would think

You blamed everyone else

No responsibility did you take

Oh it's midnight shift

So angry whilst awake

We were afraid of you

Too scared to speak with you

Many tears were shed in pain

Kind words were very few

Judgemental views were the norm

And measure up we never could

It was one thing or another

And on us you would " should"

"You should do this, you should do that"

No matter what we did

It was never good enough

And our views from you we hid

Too scared to say a thing

For fear of retribution

Too afraid to speak our minds

Yes that was our condition

Time for the war to stop

Wouldn't you agree?

To bring all to the open

Wipe slate clean to see

And then and only then

 And with humility

It's time for white flag to be waved

For all your children to see

Be honest first to yourself

Then to your family

An apology is owed to all

For them our kids, for everyone to see

Liz Olsen April 2014

A Cup of Tea

When I offer you a cup of tea

It's not just a drink you see

It's more about connection

Of friendship between you and me

The very humble cuppa 

has long since served us well

It brings us close together

With time to talk and tell

Of love and joy and sadness too

All things in life we speak

We chat or cry and gossip too

And share about our week

It isn't just a drink you know

Of course it's more than that

I just want some time with you

To connect laugh and chat

If we all sat down each time

To take some time to think

That every time I'm offered a cup

It's more than just a drink

I'm actually asking time with you

Because I value you and care

So stop and share yourself with me

These times are precious and rare

May 2014

Andrea

One day a monster did arrive

Into our lives she crept

She wanted in your pants

You, too naive to accept

Her bold and histrionic ways

Too much for ignorant souls

Yet somehow she invoked cruel fear

To my heart like burning coals

"If anything happens to Liz"

She said, "you can move in with me"

"I get horny too you know",

She spouted with such glee

My protestations were so much

She changed her tact with ease

"Oh I don't sleep with friends husbands"

Yet what else could she mean?

One time whilst out at night

To other guests she shared 

What lovely couple thought we were

'Twas only just a snare

To unsettle me and pave the path

For nasty talk to blurt

"Remember when we slept together?"

Yes she was out to hurt

She wanted rid of me so she could take

My place with you instead

She did her dirty nasty work

And played havoc with my head

You stupid foolish man

How blind and dumb you were

Could you not see what she was doing?

Or were your eyes a blur?

"Oh she is just joking" you said

That was the easiest route

Instead of putting hand to stop

You allowed her to flout

The rules that govern couples 

The things you just don't do

You were so very weak with her

She really wanted you

Did she care less about the harm she caused?

Did you stand up as a man?

No you let her trundle on

Too weak to make a ban

You thought she'd promote you so

You let her hurt my heart

You let her put me down

And tore us both apart

I asked you time and time again

Do tell her please do stop

Instead you carried on

Till my head was about to pop

So I took proverbial bull by horns

And email I did write

To tell how this was not ok 

And behaviour not so bright

She got so very angry

And forwarded it to you

You then turned against me

Saying humiliation it did do

That night from Wellington

You drove all through the night

Came home to sort out issue

To try and put things right

Instead you pulled bottle out

And drinking you began

To curse me out and swear at me

What a hero of a man

"You stupid,fucking,useless bitch

Look what you've done to me"

Your drunk and heartless words

Cruel and angry I could see

That care for me you didn't have

It was only all about you

You cared less about our love

Gave credence to a stranger who

Had little care or thought for us

Her narcissistic  bent

A dangerous scary woman

I was so glad when she went

To place assigned where Karma reigns

She can no longer cause

Such pain and terrible heartache

Or inflict her awful wars

But sad and lonely impact 

On me  a breakdown I did have

My best mate let the side down

A deserter- yes he only gave

What he only had inside was less

Than he was able to give

That loving kind defending stuff

I guess I had to forgive

I thought a loving caring spouse

Was sposed to defend his mate

But sadly he betrayed me

Yes that was my awful fate

And so the spiral started

From there on in it went

Down and down and down

So many tears were spent

So twelve long months I lost

In darkness I did spend

So many nights we'd both get drunk

And in raging fights we would end

You could never see the pain 

that you alone had caused

You blatantly defended it

Wasted breathe and exhaust.

So many years have past 

Since two thousand and three

You blamed this time

For the rift between you and me

You said things were never the same

Since the "Andrea thing"

No responsibility you took

So with sad and heavy wings

I tried my best to fly again

And struggles I did have

But fight I did and strong became

Till once more again was brave

To face the world and start again

Empowered even more

To stand against the crippling tide

Of adversity and war

I am strong again, 

and never will succumb

To weak and wishy gutless man

Yes you were so very dumb.

July 2014